Tuesday, July 1, 2014

July 1st, 2014

Almost a year ago I created this blog so I could write down my thoughts and feelings, haven't been doing that quite often as most of the time I can't even be bothered to wake up in the morning.
There was a period where I regained my hope, dreams and found optimism in my life. However, that's all over again, the way you see a mirage in the desert, the mind playing tricks on you, the cruelty of reality hits you like a brick on the head when you realize it was all just an illusion, instead of coming out of the confusion that follows, you can't help but stay in it.
The saying "you can do everything if you just believe in it" is completely false, not all people are strong enough to make it on their own or are willing to get help from others or help themselves, that's how it is... That's one of the reasons why a dreamer would rather live in his own world, created by himself or at least a world utterly different than the one his in, fantasy can be remedy that helps them live or survive ( depending on the individual ) .

Friday, February 7, 2014

February 7th,2014

So,another day feeling miserable cause of a fucking mark...It's my fault for doing the work at the last moment,still I don't get how other people who do less or nothing at all get to accomplish something in life?
I'm thinking of ways to change myself but I just can't find the power or persistence to succeed even if I have come to a decision and put it into action I trip on the road or get sidetracked.I'm not making myself feel better by drinking or smoking just because I'm either too proud to do it and do not want to show weakness,realise I might be weak  or cause I don't wanna gain any weight by doing so... which is pathetic and I hate myself for that!
There's a song in my mother language which says:

Tell me your best lie ever
Do your best at the end
Trick my mind
I need it please.

I'm at the point (for many years now) that I don't trust my judgement,I doubt everything and stuff that I can't even express in neither english or my mother language.
That's all I had to say tonight,anything that happens to me it is solely my fault.
I guess I'm weak.

Monday, January 6, 2014

January 6th,2014

Happy New Year everyone!

Today is my birthday.The reason I'm writing to you is to ask something.
On your birthday do you have the feeling like it's not your actual day but an ordinary day?
I get this feeling,I feel like everyone else is having more fun on their birthday and whenever they go out and stuff,yet I don't take any pleasure out of it,whether it is partying,having lunch with friends or anything else.
Another reason I'm posting this day,does anyone of you feel like they don't have the power to do anything?For example,I have some assignments that are due to next friday,I spend my holidays in university accommodation to do work (which as you understand I haven't).I just can't get myself to do anything regarding writing essays,not only I feel tired all the time and lazy but here's something interesting I've been told I'm not lazy but if something doesn't interest me I just can't force myself to do it.Yet I wonder if I could change my course to what I really want,I still think I would be the same...I don't really know what's wrong with me I can't even understand myself and believe me it weakens my soul,body and mind...
Anyway that's almost all,I won't get into more details cause as I told you I feel tired of repeating myself without having any changes in whatever it is I'm heading to...

Friday, November 15, 2013

November 15th,2013

It's been a little more than a month since I last posted,it was supposed to be a daily thing but it turned out different.Anyway,I'll get to the point.
I might have mentioned it before,do you ever get sick of your own life or afraid of the future?I do... There are moments when you're hanging out with friends let's say but you feel completely out of space for no apparent reason,like thinking about everything I've done in my life till then and feeling like I'm drowning in a pool filled with my unfulfilled dreams and failures.Self hatred,understanding that the enemy is no one else but myself,a chilling awareness running through my blood that makes me wanna hide in the deepest forest or the darkest corner or someplace I'll feel safe and confident enough to make something of myself,something like an accomplishment without any regrets but pride.
Other than that it's not easy to be introverted and numb at the same time,not allowing yourself to cry even when you're alone,someone would ask why are you doing this to yourself,I guess I'll feel ashamed if I cry.Don't know how this thought got stuck in my head...
Anyway that's all I wanted to write about,hope everyone IF anyone is reading my blog is alright and have a wonderful day/night :)

Saturday, October 5, 2013

October 5th,2013

The past few days have been dull,agitated and for some reason I have the premonition something bad is gonna happen soon,keep seeing crows everyday.I know it must be one of the region's inhabitants but still crows are bad omens.
Anyway what concerns me this morning is this,I have this hall mate who likes me,he is cute etc yet I like someone else (apart from the one who out of the blue stopped talking to me :( ) so I don't know what I'm supposed to do...Let's say I go out a couple of  times,there is a thing going on blah blah what worries me is the future.How will it affect our relationship with each other and the rest of our hall mates.
That's it for today.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

October 1st,2013

I'm beginning to see I'm not so skilful as I thought I was and others said so...Probably Uni is not a place for me.So... making peace with the fact I'm a failure is getting easier every time.
That's all for today (I think)

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

September 25th,2013

It's a month and something since I last posted anything on the blog.
Many things have happened in this long period of my absence,like I got a tattoo,moved into my new home at university's residence halls
But (there is always a but) I was talking with this guy from my uni who actually didn't like at first and he did like me,then we got to meet and seems like he doesn't like me anymore cause he doesn't talk to me anymore the way he used to...
To be honest I deserve it cause I was the one blowing him off all the time,well gotta admit that's how my life is...