July 31st,2013

Hello everyone,I finished reading this book called "The Maze Runner".I liked it.Anyway what I want to write about is fictional worlds.
I'm the kind of person who has a soft spot on imaginary places,mythology etc.I can't help myself but think how easily I see myself fit in in this kind of world instead of the drowsy reality we live.You might say it seems simple to live in worlds with magic (actual magic like wands,brooms and stuff) because facing life's obstacles is more difficult...

July 25th,2013

Just came home,I'm starting to doubt myself and a friend of mine.We used to be more comfortable with each other,still the problem tonight was that he seemed to be holding a grudge against me and of course I was in defense mode like being silent and acting like something troubles me.I'm getting tired of being tolerant and patient (which has dropped down significantly).
I'm starting to think (again) life has no joy at all not because of this trite "incident"but in general. Whenever I look back to some happy moments something has infected it.Feels like anything that might help me hold it together is grabbed by an invisible and invincible force leaving me with nothing but numbness.
I get a feeling I'll have a nervous breakdown soon enough...

July 19th,2013

Worthless,can't believe how much of a pushover I am,cannot adjust to the fact I'm moving away into a town even smaller than mine.It is my own fault for being so fucking weak and believing people will keep their word.
I keep getting discouraged and it starts to affect me,I seriously consider to do something harmful for my health,though I never actually do anything cause I'm such a coward.

I've come to understand,dreams are for rookies.Never done anything good in this life,keep failing and failing all the time without any achievement.I know nobody goes straight to success,it comes with progress but for how long will it be the same all over again?
I know I do not make sense right now,at least writing it down helps a bit...

July 15th,2013

Yesterday was a day I didn't post anything cause there wasn't anything to write about.Though today as right now there is.
What's the point of reaching adulthood if you don't have any rights?Independence,self-discover and all these stuff is just a drop in the ocean,if your mother keeps asking you every time you go out even for just a walk everything like you're under interrogation.Comprehending is acceptable until you reach the point of insanity.
It would be ok if I was still 10-16 even 17 years old but I'm almost 19,soon I'll be leaving to study abroad and all this worry get's under my skin and it makes me feel vulnerable and insecure for everything around me.
What is even more annoying is the fact that I've talked and talked to her so many fucking times but nothing seems to change.In contrast she goes into defense saying that she is the source of my problems and stuff or acting all bossy trying to yield me...
Seriously I don't know how long I can keep up with this,I'm sure many of you or better all of you will think I'm the one who is wrong.

July 13th,2013

Night is taking the lead.Been in home for like 3 days now and starting to go crazy already.During the year I'd much rather stay inside than outside but now that I absolutely have nothing to do or wait for I just want to be out sitting on a hill or a bench and just listening to music.
It's strange how small things can actually influence us in such a big scale...

July 12th,2013

The day so far seems to be timeless,well it might be because I just woke up who knows.Yesterday I was having a conversation with a very good friend and I got to understand,admit actually that I'm not showing respect to a particular person as I think I do and it kind of struck me.I knew he was right yet for some reason for the first time I didn't really want to accept it at least I think so...
Moving on,the day is young there is no sign of any bad omens so hopefully,it will pass without any incidents.
So far I don't have any notable notion or anything bothering,likely I won't be "analyzing"/writing down anything profoundly (to me) disturbing.

July 11th,2013

Just woke up.Filled with anger which I don't show,trying to keep everything inside,cause speaking out doesn't make it easier it just irritates me more (especially when I'm talking to my mother).
Don't get me wrong I love my mother,it's just...She's so overprotecting!I mean come on I'm an adult I CAN take care of myself!The excuse that's always coming up "I do trust you,I just don't just the world" so what?!How am I supposed to live my life if she's acting like this all the time?
I've never given any rights to her to doubt me,for the last 2 years I've been staying home and whenever I was going out it was to watch a film...Now that I've actually finished school forever (not a big fan as you can understand) I've been "going out" almost everyday for walks and such things and she's expecting me to be back by 12.I forgot to mention I'm living in a very small town which is not as dangerous as she says (always exaggerating god!).She keeps calling me all the time I can understand she wants to know if I'm okay but she doesn't get that I want to keep some things for myself,she wants to know every little detail and it just makes me feel weak every time it's happening cause I feel like I won't be able to make it on my own.
Trying to talk things out doesn't get me anywhere,it's just a hole in the water.I've tried to act strict,compassionate and anything but it always ends like this "alright I'm doing everything wrong,whatever your problem is it's my fault"BLAH BLAH!!That's a hit below the belt...Honestly I didn't think she could be the problem but now I do,she even said she doesn't trust me anymore cause I don't give her a full report of what I'm doing when I go out.
Most of you will think I'm wrong,how do I know?Everybody says so...

July 10th,2013

The morning seems dull,hopefully the rest of the day won't go on like this.Something odd is being happening for two days in a row,I'm having the most serene sleeps I can remember and let me say this I feel so peaceful like being dead or something.
While waking up I didn't have any notion of time,there was a feeling of infinity like time didn't exist and the world was just an illusion.Yet what was prevailing?To me it seemed to be void.If you've ever wondered what it feels to be something like a zombie,a living-dead,that's what it's like.Waking up and feeling nothing but your own heartbeat,having no thoughts at all and the only thing keeping you in motion is your physical needs (food,water etc).
The only thing that will bring you back to "reality" is music,get you out of this trance and help you through the day.

July 9th,2013

It's the middle of summer vacation.There is nothing for me to do or enjoy.Keep going through the motions as always,cause there's not a chance of reaching the deepest parts of my soul,find answers to bothersome questions.Note I'm home alone once again but it doesn't change the fact that I don't feel independent,paradoxically every time I'm getting more insecure.
Sometimes the world,the surroundings,the people I have to face every day (relatives,friends or better individuals I choose to call friends depending on my mood) seem to create a feeling of insignificance making me look like a small child.Whether I discuss my problem/s or not it always reaches this point "It might be your fault" or  "Alright I'm the one who causes all of your problems I'm doing everything wrong" (that's my mother's quote),so basically I always get the blame.
I figured if someone is reading this might not,well possibly will not understand what exactly is my problem...due to my poor writing skills.To all of you which I'm pretty sure won't figure it out,the reason I'm writing down this stuff is to try and lift some weight off my shoulders.
I've talk to people I  trust (sometimes) for things that trouble me and it does help to speak out about deeds that may worry you yet it's impermanent.
To conclude I'll be posting regularly here as often as I can in an attempt to help myself get over (for good) the difficulties I've been facing for a very long time.

See you soon,
Moody being