I'm drowning in this sadness
Like a bottomless ocean
And I don't have the strength to pull myself out of it
Fatigue is what I feel most of the time
Tremor is what brings the fear
Moments of hope come and go
And when the restlessness returns
The unknown is what makes me doubt my existence
E.B
Monday, October 10, 2016
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
August 19th, 2014
Don't know how am I or if I am dealing with everything, so exhausted of all the complications in life with family, personal goals, the future etc. Even though I want adventure in life and such, desires/aspirations seem to be changing slowly or transforming into something else.
The only thing I wish for the first time in a long time ( be careful what you wish for they say ) is to turn back time to where everything started. Don't know when that is but I'm sure there is a time and place that is significant to my whole life until now. Factors, decisions, environment, every single detail is a step to what we become.
The only thing I wish for the first time in a long time ( be careful what you wish for they say ) is to turn back time to where everything started. Don't know when that is but I'm sure there is a time and place that is significant to my whole life until now. Factors, decisions, environment, every single detail is a step to what we become.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
July 29th, 2014
Fear, a word, a feeling, stopping you from experiencing life to the fullest. It's not an easy enemy to fight against, whenever you think you won the battle it turns out you haven't. Fear is inside everyone, it's not a war as it can be completely defeated, but a constant battle, helping us to get better, stronger, giving us inspiration purpose not only doubt, uneasiness and struggle.
There are people though ( myself included ) who "win" less than half of the battles they have.
However, being completely isolated, in a place of remoteness where nothing can touch or affect you, in locations like these being alone is more like a remedy than a heavy burden on your shoulders.
Sometimes, getting through the day is enough even if you haven't had any new adventures or experiences, not always though...
There are people though ( myself included ) who "win" less than half of the battles they have.
However, being completely isolated, in a place of remoteness where nothing can touch or affect you, in locations like these being alone is more like a remedy than a heavy burden on your shoulders.
Sometimes, getting through the day is enough even if you haven't had any new adventures or experiences, not always though...
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
July 23rd, 2014
I'm so sick of everything in my life and when I say everything I mean EVERYTHING! If only I had the guts to leave everything behind and "run away" I would have done. I know people have it a lot worse than I do. However, every one deals with their problems and the obstacles life throws at them different from the other...
All of it, is just so confusing and tiresome, makes you wanna go to an eternal slumber and never wake up. Even trying to explain how you feel, seems pointless or you get to be called arrogant, selfish and other names that will either hurt you psychologically or be centralised as the source of the problem.
Another case is, you'll be asked why are you feeling this way and not that way when you could just do this and that, because it is so FUCKING easy to turn things around! Well guess what, IT'S NOT!!!!!
All of it, is just so confusing and tiresome, makes you wanna go to an eternal slumber and never wake up. Even trying to explain how you feel, seems pointless or you get to be called arrogant, selfish and other names that will either hurt you psychologically or be centralised as the source of the problem.
Another case is, you'll be asked why are you feeling this way and not that way when you could just do this and that, because it is so FUCKING easy to turn things around! Well guess what, IT'S NOT!!!!!
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
July 8th, 2014
It's been a few days since I finished watching Digimon ( the entire series ).
The opening song from the first series is a song that got stuck in my head from the very first time I started watching the anime ( 8-9 years probably can't remember), the song itself gives you a sense of hope and courage at the same time, even though it's in Japanese. Nonetheless, there are many cases where words on their use are not needed to be understood but felt, as this case in particular.
I have come to realise or better accept the reason why there is this sadness and melancholy people like might experience regarding this series and all THE FEELS you get from it ( especially the original series ) . The desire to have someone as your own partner who will always be there for you no matter what, to get this connection of spiritual level, the uniqueness of both of them that links them together is something not many individuals truly get to have.
On the other hand, it might be selfish to have a friend all for yourself. However, this kind of friendship and attachment is one that doesn't make you jealous, thus it makes you get closer to your friend and grow wiser through the understanding, compassion and tenderness you share with each other.
Overall, my main point is I often doubt myself and the people around me, I've grown tired of even getting out of bed in the morning, oblivion seems so appealing at times like this yet I thank the universe for the existence of things like that ( music, tv series etc ) for giving me and many others hope in an indescribable way.
The opening song from the first series is a song that got stuck in my head from the very first time I started watching the anime ( 8-9 years probably can't remember), the song itself gives you a sense of hope and courage at the same time, even though it's in Japanese. Nonetheless, there are many cases where words on their use are not needed to be understood but felt, as this case in particular.
I have come to realise or better accept the reason why there is this sadness and melancholy people like might experience regarding this series and all THE FEELS you get from it ( especially the original series ) . The desire to have someone as your own partner who will always be there for you no matter what, to get this connection of spiritual level, the uniqueness of both of them that links them together is something not many individuals truly get to have.
On the other hand, it might be selfish to have a friend all for yourself. However, this kind of friendship and attachment is one that doesn't make you jealous, thus it makes you get closer to your friend and grow wiser through the understanding, compassion and tenderness you share with each other.
Overall, my main point is I often doubt myself and the people around me, I've grown tired of even getting out of bed in the morning, oblivion seems so appealing at times like this yet I thank the universe for the existence of things like that ( music, tv series etc ) for giving me and many others hope in an indescribable way.
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
July 1st, 2014
Almost a year ago I created this blog so I could write down my thoughts and feelings, haven't been doing that quite often as most of the time I can't even be bothered to wake up in the morning.
There was a period where I regained my hope, dreams and found optimism in my life. However, that's all over again, the way you see a mirage in the desert, the mind playing tricks on you, the cruelty of reality hits you like a brick on the head when you realize it was all just an illusion, instead of coming out of the confusion that follows, you can't help but stay in it.
The saying "you can do everything if you just believe in it" is completely false, not all people are strong enough to make it on their own or are willing to get help from others or help themselves, that's how it is... That's one of the reasons why a dreamer would rather live in his own world, created by himself or at least a world utterly different than the one his in, fantasy can be remedy that helps them live or survive ( depending on the individual ) .
There was a period where I regained my hope, dreams and found optimism in my life. However, that's all over again, the way you see a mirage in the desert, the mind playing tricks on you, the cruelty of reality hits you like a brick on the head when you realize it was all just an illusion, instead of coming out of the confusion that follows, you can't help but stay in it.
The saying "you can do everything if you just believe in it" is completely false, not all people are strong enough to make it on their own or are willing to get help from others or help themselves, that's how it is... That's one of the reasons why a dreamer would rather live in his own world, created by himself or at least a world utterly different than the one his in, fantasy can be remedy that helps them live or survive ( depending on the individual ) .
Friday, February 7, 2014
February 7th,2014
So,another day feeling miserable cause of a fucking mark...It's my fault for doing the work at the last moment,still I don't get how other people who do less or nothing at all get to accomplish something in life?
I'm thinking of ways to change myself but I just can't find the power or persistence to succeed even if I have come to a decision and put it into action I trip on the road or get sidetracked.I'm not making myself feel better by drinking or smoking just because I'm either too proud to do it and do not want to show weakness,realise I might be weak or cause I don't wanna gain any weight by doing so... which is pathetic and I hate myself for that!
There's a song in my mother language which says:
Tell me your best lie ever
Do your best at the end
Trick my mind
I need it please.
I'm at the point (for many years now) that I don't trust my judgement,I doubt everything and stuff that I can't even express in neither english or my mother language.
That's all I had to say tonight,anything that happens to me it is solely my fault.
I guess I'm weak.
I'm thinking of ways to change myself but I just can't find the power or persistence to succeed even if I have come to a decision and put it into action I trip on the road or get sidetracked.I'm not making myself feel better by drinking or smoking just because I'm either too proud to do it and do not want to show weakness,realise I might be weak or cause I don't wanna gain any weight by doing so... which is pathetic and I hate myself for that!
There's a song in my mother language which says:
Tell me your best lie ever
Do your best at the end
Trick my mind
I need it please.
I'm at the point (for many years now) that I don't trust my judgement,I doubt everything and stuff that I can't even express in neither english or my mother language.
That's all I had to say tonight,anything that happens to me it is solely my fault.
I guess I'm weak.
Monday, January 6, 2014
January 6th,2014
Happy New Year everyone!
Today is my birthday.The reason I'm writing to you is to ask something.
On your birthday do you have the feeling like it's not your actual day but an ordinary day?
I get this feeling,I feel like everyone else is having more fun on their birthday and whenever they go out and stuff,yet I don't take any pleasure out of it,whether it is partying,having lunch with friends or anything else.
Another reason I'm posting this day,does anyone of you feel like they don't have the power to do anything?For example,I have some assignments that are due to next friday,I spend my holidays in university accommodation to do work (which as you understand I haven't).I just can't get myself to do anything regarding writing essays,not only I feel tired all the time and lazy but here's something interesting I've been told I'm not lazy but if something doesn't interest me I just can't force myself to do it.Yet I wonder if I could change my course to what I really want,I still think I would be the same...I don't really know what's wrong with me I can't even understand myself and believe me it weakens my soul,body and mind...
Anyway that's almost all,I won't get into more details cause as I told you I feel tired of repeating myself without having any changes in whatever it is I'm heading to...
Today is my birthday.The reason I'm writing to you is to ask something.
On your birthday do you have the feeling like it's not your actual day but an ordinary day?
I get this feeling,I feel like everyone else is having more fun on their birthday and whenever they go out and stuff,yet I don't take any pleasure out of it,whether it is partying,having lunch with friends or anything else.
Another reason I'm posting this day,does anyone of you feel like they don't have the power to do anything?For example,I have some assignments that are due to next friday,I spend my holidays in university accommodation to do work (which as you understand I haven't).I just can't get myself to do anything regarding writing essays,not only I feel tired all the time and lazy but here's something interesting I've been told I'm not lazy but if something doesn't interest me I just can't force myself to do it.Yet I wonder if I could change my course to what I really want,I still think I would be the same...I don't really know what's wrong with me I can't even understand myself and believe me it weakens my soul,body and mind...
Anyway that's almost all,I won't get into more details cause as I told you I feel tired of repeating myself without having any changes in whatever it is I'm heading to...
Friday, November 15, 2013
November 15th,2013
It's been a little more than a month since I last posted,it was supposed to be a daily thing but it turned out different.Anyway,I'll get to the point.
I might have mentioned it before,do you ever get sick of your own life or afraid of the future?I do... There are moments when you're hanging out with friends let's say but you feel completely out of space for no apparent reason,like thinking about everything I've done in my life till then and feeling like I'm drowning in a pool filled with my unfulfilled dreams and failures.Self hatred,understanding that the enemy is no one else but myself,a chilling awareness running through my blood that makes me wanna hide in the deepest forest or the darkest corner or someplace I'll feel safe and confident enough to make something of myself,something like an accomplishment without any regrets but pride.
Other than that it's not easy to be introverted and numb at the same time,not allowing yourself to cry even when you're alone,someone would ask why are you doing this to yourself,I guess I'll feel ashamed if I cry.Don't know how this thought got stuck in my head...
Anyway that's all I wanted to write about,hope everyone IF anyone is reading my blog is alright and have a wonderful day/night :)
I might have mentioned it before,do you ever get sick of your own life or afraid of the future?I do... There are moments when you're hanging out with friends let's say but you feel completely out of space for no apparent reason,like thinking about everything I've done in my life till then and feeling like I'm drowning in a pool filled with my unfulfilled dreams and failures.Self hatred,understanding that the enemy is no one else but myself,a chilling awareness running through my blood that makes me wanna hide in the deepest forest or the darkest corner or someplace I'll feel safe and confident enough to make something of myself,something like an accomplishment without any regrets but pride.
Other than that it's not easy to be introverted and numb at the same time,not allowing yourself to cry even when you're alone,someone would ask why are you doing this to yourself,I guess I'll feel ashamed if I cry.Don't know how this thought got stuck in my head...
Anyway that's all I wanted to write about,hope everyone IF anyone is reading my blog is alright and have a wonderful day/night :)
Saturday, October 5, 2013
October 5th,2013
The past few days have been dull,agitated and for some reason I have the premonition something bad is gonna happen soon,keep seeing crows everyday.I know it must be one of the region's inhabitants but still crows are bad omens.
Anyway what concerns me this morning is this,I have this hall mate who likes me,he is cute etc yet I like someone else (apart from the one who out of the blue stopped talking to me :( ) so I don't know what I'm supposed to do...Let's say I go out a couple of times,there is a thing going on blah blah what worries me is the future.How will it affect our relationship with each other and the rest of our hall mates.
That's it for today.
Anyway what concerns me this morning is this,I have this hall mate who likes me,he is cute etc yet I like someone else (apart from the one who out of the blue stopped talking to me :( ) so I don't know what I'm supposed to do...Let's say I go out a couple of times,there is a thing going on blah blah what worries me is the future.How will it affect our relationship with each other and the rest of our hall mates.
That's it for today.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
October 1st,2013
I'm beginning to see I'm not so skilful as I thought I was and others said so...Probably Uni is not a place for me.So... making peace with the fact I'm a failure is getting easier every time.
That's all for today (I think)
That's all for today (I think)
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
September 25th,2013
It's a month and something since I last posted anything on the blog.
Many things have happened in this long period of my absence,like I got a tattoo,moved into my new home at university's residence halls
But (there is always a but) I was talking with this guy from my uni who actually didn't like at first and he did like me,then we got to meet and seems like he doesn't like me anymore cause he doesn't talk to me anymore the way he used to...
To be honest I deserve it cause I was the one blowing him off all the time,well gotta admit that's how my life is...
Many things have happened in this long period of my absence,like I got a tattoo,moved into my new home at university's residence halls
But (there is always a but) I was talking with this guy from my uni who actually didn't like at first and he did like me,then we got to meet and seems like he doesn't like me anymore cause he doesn't talk to me anymore the way he used to...
To be honest I deserve it cause I was the one blowing him off all the time,well gotta admit that's how my life is...
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
August 13th,2013
I know I've been writing a lot about infinite,but it's one of the most beautiful feelings
anyone can experience.Next to having dreams and even better in association with infinity :)
It's a classic which I personally think many people enjoy,especially the 80's and 90's ones.
Living in a community like mine there aren't many things to do,the education sucks
the only thing that helps people like me is this illusion of some day having moments and
emotions like the ones you get from songs like this in particular...
Sunday, August 11, 2013
August 11th,2013
The power of a song itself is enough to make something stir inside your
soul,still how is it possible to all this emotions of hope,
clarity and optimism just by a music video?Sometimes these little moments
we get from a simple video are the ones we're gonna remember.What I mean
is getting this kind of feeling out from a song you heard or a clip you saw,for
some people it might be the only way they get to feel alive,infinite...
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
July 31st,2013
Hello everyone,I finished reading this book called "The Maze Runner".I liked it.Anyway what I want to write about is fictional worlds.
I'm the kind of person who has a soft spot on imaginary places,mythology etc.I can't help myself but think how easily I see myself fit in in this kind of world instead of the drowsy reality we live.You might say it seems simple to live in worlds with magic (actual magic like wands,brooms and stuff) because facing life's obstacles is more difficult...
I'm the kind of person who has a soft spot on imaginary places,mythology etc.I can't help myself but think how easily I see myself fit in in this kind of world instead of the drowsy reality we live.You might say it seems simple to live in worlds with magic (actual magic like wands,brooms and stuff) because facing life's obstacles is more difficult...
Friday, July 26, 2013
July 25th,2013
Just came home,I'm starting to doubt myself and a friend of mine.We used to be more comfortable with each other,still the problem tonight was that he seemed to be holding a grudge against me and of course I was in defense mode like being silent and acting like something troubles me.I'm getting tired of being tolerant and patient (which has dropped down significantly).
I'm starting to think (again) life has no joy at all not because of this trite "incident"but in general. Whenever I look back to some happy moments something has infected it.Feels like anything that might help me hold it together is grabbed by an invisible and invincible force leaving me with nothing but numbness.
I get a feeling I'll have a nervous breakdown soon enough...
I'm starting to think (again) life has no joy at all not because of this trite "incident"but in general. Whenever I look back to some happy moments something has infected it.Feels like anything that might help me hold it together is grabbed by an invisible and invincible force leaving me with nothing but numbness.
I get a feeling I'll have a nervous breakdown soon enough...
Friday, July 19, 2013
July 19th,2013
Worthless,can't believe how much of a pushover I am,cannot adjust to the fact I'm moving away into a town even smaller than mine.It is my own fault for being so fucking weak and believing people will keep their word.
I keep getting discouraged and it starts to affect me,I seriously consider to do something harmful for my health,though I never actually do anything cause I'm such a coward.
I keep getting discouraged and it starts to affect me,I seriously consider to do something harmful for my health,though I never actually do anything cause I'm such a coward.
I've come to understand,dreams are for rookies.Never done anything good in this life,keep failing and failing all the time without any achievement.I know nobody goes straight to success,it comes with progress but for how long will it be the same all over again?
I know I do not make sense right now,at least writing it down helps a bit...
I know I do not make sense right now,at least writing it down helps a bit...
Monday, July 15, 2013
July 15th,2013
Yesterday was a day I didn't post anything cause there wasn't anything to write about.Though today as right now there is.
What's the point of reaching adulthood if you don't have any rights?Independence,self-discover and all these stuff is just a drop in the ocean,if your mother keeps asking you every time you go out even for just a walk everything like you're under interrogation.Comprehending is acceptable until you reach the point of insanity.
It would be ok if I was still 10-16 even 17 years old but I'm almost 19,soon I'll be leaving to study abroad and all this worry get's under my skin and it makes me feel vulnerable and insecure for everything around me.
What is even more annoying is the fact that I've talked and talked to her so many fucking times but nothing seems to change.In contrast she goes into defense saying that she is the source of my problems and stuff or acting all bossy trying to yield me...
Seriously I don't know how long I can keep up with this,I'm sure many of you or better all of you will think I'm the one who is wrong.
What's the point of reaching adulthood if you don't have any rights?Independence,self-discover and all these stuff is just a drop in the ocean,if your mother keeps asking you every time you go out even for just a walk everything like you're under interrogation.Comprehending is acceptable until you reach the point of insanity.
It would be ok if I was still 10-16 even 17 years old but I'm almost 19,soon I'll be leaving to study abroad and all this worry get's under my skin and it makes me feel vulnerable and insecure for everything around me.
What is even more annoying is the fact that I've talked and talked to her so many fucking times but nothing seems to change.In contrast she goes into defense saying that she is the source of my problems and stuff or acting all bossy trying to yield me...
Seriously I don't know how long I can keep up with this,I'm sure many of you or better all of you will think I'm the one who is wrong.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
July 13th,2013
Night is taking the lead.Been in home for like 3 days now and starting to go crazy already.During the year I'd much rather stay inside than outside but now that I absolutely have nothing to do or wait for I just want to be out sitting on a hill or a bench and just listening to music.
It's strange how small things can actually influence us in such a big scale...
It's strange how small things can actually influence us in such a big scale...
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